Love is Daily

   In my early teens it became a common activity for the young women of my church to make "lists for your husband." The idea was to contemplate what you desired in a man so you could prepare yourself for him and for your future together. You needed to be the best you could be and become your best, to be worthy of having a husband.

   There were some obvious problems with this practice. Firstly, I was too young to even know what I wanted so it was an activity made to practice giving the “right” church approved answers. You were supposed to want what the church wanted. A man to look after you, to lead you, to be what the church envisioned. There was also the problem of “self-improvement” being tied to being worthy of having this man walk into your life. Aka, your self improvement wasn’t for you, it was to be done for the reward of the perfect man (according to the church) coming into your life to whisk you away. Despite these problems… I took this practice rather seriously.

I thought long and hard to not be picky and to work in my most serious hopes of my early teenage heart, so the man I was working for would be someone I actually wanted. Some of my friends teased each other about hair color and some quickly wrote a 20+ list of things they wanted from their future husband. My list of what I wanted in my future man ended up only having three items on it:

1. He should be an honorable man of the church

2. He will be my one and only love

3. He must give me the biggest grand gesture so I am sure of his feelings

   Just a few months ago, as someone now happily married with the person who is the love of my life for the last 8ish years, I found this list in a pile of old memorabilia. I read this short list for quite a long time. Reflecting on how my first item was reserved to fulfill the church's wishes for me. It made me giggle to myself that who I chose is someone who also left that same church and supports my distaste for its sexist practices. Poor teenage me had made that request only a few years before it would become the opposite of what I actually desired. How little did teenage me know what I actually wanted!

   Item two, on the above list, had clearly been added so I could say I had a “list” instead of the beginnings of one. Item three grabbed my attention. I wanted for him to give me a big grand gesture so I was sure of his love. That was one I know I very much felt in myself as a young teen. It was the one thing I added to my meager list for me. I had to ask myself, “has my husband ever given me a grand gesture?” 

   I'm sure my teenage self was thinking of High School Musical, The Princess Bride, 10 Things I Hate About You, Pride and Prejudice, etc. when I wrote item three on my list. For him to be worthy of my dedicating my life's worth of “self improvement” to him, I wanted him to give me a grand gesture. I am sure I wanted my future husband to declare himself while accompanied by a marching band in the rain as he apologized for not meeting me sooner. I wanted something big, something loud, something that could never be denied as "true romance" by anyone. So when I encountered this list. This request. My initial reaction was to think how disappointed teenage me would be to know that such a gesture like that never occurred. But then, as I thought on it more… I couldn’t help but feel like… yes. Yes he did give that to me. My husband has never given me a marching band or confession in the rain… but my husband has given this to me. He has given me the feeling of it. The feeling of something grand and great and that can never be denied. Living and loving with him. 

   My husband is a man of devotion, a man of quiet love and constant affection. His grand gesture lies in the continual accumulation of remembering what utensils I like to use with which food, in remembering what drinks bring me the greatest joy, in never getting me roses for valentines but instead he gives me varied bouquets on random days, like I actually desire. His grand gesture was in being my best friend until the day he couldn't stand it and in a quiet midnight hour he asked in a hesitant and whispered tone, "I love you, you know?" His grand gesture is in listening with attention and interest when I give him my soliloquy nightly regarding my work day. His grand gesture is in supporting my writing and helping with edits/proof reading despite my writing being more flowery than the books he picks up for his pleasure reading.

   Our love is one I cherish above anything my teenage self could have imagined. My teenage self wanted a flash in the pan. But what I have is love in the daily minutiae of living and growing together. Love with the daily giving of our gifts, attention, and appreciation. Love in the moments where you just need support, to be heard, to be seen. Love is in the treasuring of your daily shared moments. It is more grand and sure than my teenage self could have ever asked for. It is in the creating of grandness together. Love is daily.